the .: fyr :. light

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE ARE MINE – I subscribe to MilSpouse Magazine and this is a forum post that in turn is being reposted from a blog post. I can’t link the forums because it’s a member-only forum and I can’t link the original blog post, because the forum poster didn’t share the link – so don’t jump on my case about stealing.

It says Marines in some places … but can just as easily be attributable to Army, Navy and Air Force.

The idea is that it’s supposed to be funny, but in a lot of cases, you will find us milspouses are indeed irritated by people trying to understand and not just saying, “I don’t understand”.

One of my closest friends has said to me on occasion “I don’t understand – why is this so?” and every single time he says something like that, I smile because it’s a refreshing change from the “Oh I am SO sorry you are going through this”. After a while that gets old – very old. If you are so interested in my state of mind, ask me what I am doing to cope, ask me about what I’ve learned, ask me about things I’ve discovered .. but please, for the love of all that is good, stop telling me how sorry you are. It doesn’t help.

And without further ado, here is the complete text interspersed with notes of my own in red:

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?” (This one ranks in at number one on the “duh” list. Of course we’re afraid. We’re terrified. The thought always lingers at the backs of our minds —but thanks brilliant, you just brought it back to the front. Maybe next you can go ask someone with cancer if they’re scared of dying.) 2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.” (This is intended to be a compliment. Though, its just a little annoying. Here’s why: it’s not like all of us military wives have been dreaming since childhood of the day we’d get to be anxious single moms who carry cell phones with us to the bathroom and in the shower. We’re not made of some mysterious matter that makes us more capable, we just got asked to take on a challenging job. So we rose to the challenge and found the strength to make sacrifices.) 3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.” (This is the number one most annoying comment for those whose husbands are in Afghanistan. What do they think is happening in Afghanistan? An international game of golf? Guys are fighting and dying over there.) 4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?” (Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.) 5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?” (Short answer: Try to keep my sanity. Maybe there’s a military wife out there who gets bored when her husband leaves, but I have yet to meet her. For the rest of us, those with and without children, we find ourselves having to be two people. That keeps us plenty busy. We do get lonely, but we don’t get bored, and drinking massive amounts of wine always helps keep me busy.) 6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?” (This one is annoying to many of us whether our husbands are deployed or not. Many of our husbands aren’t counting down the days until they “can” get out. Many of them keep signing back up again and again because they actually love what they do or they VOLUNTEER AGAIN and AGAIN to go back to Iraq b/c there is work that needs to be done.) 7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.” (Sure, we do learn coping skills and its true the more deployments you’ve gone through, the easier dealing with it becomes. And we figure out ways to make life go smoother while the guys are gone. But it never gets “easy” and the bullets and bombs don’t skip over our guys just because they’ve been there before. The worry never goes away.)

This one isn’t applicable to me just yet – this is my first deployment – but I’ve heard it being said to other wives. It doesn’t get easier, it gets more manageable … maybe

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.” (This one is similar to number two. Do not equate your husband’s three week trip to London/Omaha/Tokyo/etc. with a 12-15 month or more deployment to a war zone. Aside from the obvious time difference, nobody shot at your husband or tried to blow him up with an I.E.D., your husband could call home pretty much any time he wanted to, he flew comfortably on a commercial plane, slept between crisp white sheets and ate well, paying for everything with an expense account. There is no comparison. We do not feel bonded to you in the slightest because of this comment and, if anything, we probably resent you a bit for it. Comparing a 12 month combat deployment to a few weeks business trip is like comparing a shitty ford taurus with mercedes convertible.) 9. “Wow you must miss him?” (This one also gets antoher big “duh”. Of course we miss our men. There are some wives who do not and they’re now divorced.) 10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?” (I don’t expect non-military folks to be able to find Anbar Province on a map, but they should know by now that it’s in Iraq. Likewise, know that Kabul and Kandahar are in Afghanistan. Know that Muqtada al Sadr is the insurgent leader of the Mahdi Army in Iraq and that Sadr City is his home area. Know that Iran is a major threat to our country and that it is located between Afghanistan and Iraq. Our country has been at war in Afghanistan for seven years and at war in Iraq for five years. These basic facts are not secrets, they’re on the news every night and in the papers every day —and on maps everywhere.)

It doesn’t matter where they are – in fact, where they are isn’t something you want to be asking me either. They are where they are, doing what they do – now can we PLEASE just watch TV/ watch the movie/read the book/play the game/do whatever it was we planned to do before you thought you should be empathetic? Thanks.

11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.” (Yes, ignorant, he did sign up. Each and every day he protects your right to make stupid comments like that. He didn’t sign up and ask to be hit by anything, he signed up to protect his country. Oh, and by the way, he asked me to tell you that “You’re welcome.” He’s still fighting for your freedom.)

While I don’t agree 100% with the note above, I will say that ANY comment like this made by someone who claims to be a friend illustrates their right to become a non-friend immediately. That is not something you say to a friend. Anyone else saying it, is just plain stupid and warrants no special consideration.

12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!” (hmmm, no i don’t miss sex. i’m a robot. seriously…military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things, like simply hearing their voices, seeing their faces, being able to have dinner together every night. And the hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.) 13. “Well in my opinion…..” (Stop right there. Yo, I didn’t ask for you your personal political opinions. Hey, I love a heated political debate, but not in the grocery store, not in Jamba Juice, not at Nordstrom, not in a restaurant when I’m out with my girls trying to forget the war, and CERTAINLY NOT AT WORK. We tell co-workers about deployments so when we have to spend lunch hours running our asses off doing errands and taking care of the house, dog, and kids, they have an understanding. We do not tell co-workers and colleagues because we are giving an invitation to ramble about politics or because we so eagerly want to hear how much they hate the President, esp. while we’re trying to heat up our lean cuisines in the crappy office microwaves.) last but not least…. 14. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!” (He’s doing his job and he’s tough. Don’t be sorry. Be appreciative and please take a moment out of your comfortable American lives to realize that our Marines fight the wars abroad so those wars stay abroad)

Yes, he’s doing his job and he’s tough. Yes, he fights over THERE so that we don’t have to fight HERE … but also, bear in mind that war is horrible and there are consequences visible and invisible for EVERYone involved. You want to contribute? Make a statement? Be helpful? Think about what you can do in your way to lighten the burden of war and the necessity for war and live it every single day. Stop telling me how sorry you are for me, and instead work on YOU and what YOU can do in your small way to help the world see peace.

I tried not to hurt any small animals in the reproduction of this classic post, but I fear there may be some who may just decide to be hurt anyway.

C’est la vie.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.