I thought the drama and emotional roller-coaster rides had taken a hike. No way. I am a mess again.

I’ll be the first person to tell you that I am DYING for all this to be over with. This stress is likely to kill me before then, but I tell myself I’ll die happy if I do.

Stress is a funny thing. You never really know it’s there until something breaks – and I don’t mean physically falls and breaks, I mean something in the head. You’ll be going along fine and then BLAM! something gives in your head and you become a raving maniac. Oh yea. I’ve had a couple of those happen these last 4 days. You’d never know it from my blog – but I can tell you FH (future hubby) is being a darling and putting up with me. I think he just KNOWS how hard all this is for me and that is the best part of all this. He understands and is patient.

Hell, patient is his middle name anyway.

My mother never realizes when she’s being overbearing. I sometimes think it’s sweet. We were discussing my wedding dress and she described for me something you’d put your 15 year old daughter in. At first I was just miffed … (WTH?), then I was amused. She still seems me as her little girl. giggle It’s cute actually. Try to imagine me (those who know me personally), in frills and cap sleeves and an a-line skirt that covers my knees! guffaw Mom, I love you.

I feel a little bad that I wasn’t able to fawn over her on Mother’s Day. I had a good reason – I was bent over (while standing) in pain and laying curled when I was horizontal (and horizontal is how I spent most of the day). Man! What kind of punishment is this?  Despite this, she did say it was a good day … I think part of that was that she got to be a “real mother” again. “Do you want me to fix you something to eat?” “Here. Drink this and swallow an advil, it’ll make you feel better.”

Dad helped me tho, which is odd in itself. And together we managed to make mother’s day a pleasant day for her. She did absolutely nothing in the house all day. Which is something I think my mother should have more often. But being the busy-body that she is, that would be like trying to make a dog take a shower complete with shower cap and sudsy liquid soap smelling of lavender and a luffa. Ha!

So anyhow – going to head on out now. Y’all take care, hear?

Light be with you all.

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Well, I managed to escape the emotional roller-coaster today. It seems to have taken a short vacation. But I did not sleep last night either. Well, I did … until 1am when the mosquitoes woke me. Then once I was awake, there was no going back to sleep. So I got up and played with my rogue until she was 5 and a half bars from 70. Logged out and crawled back into bed at 4am and watched the ceiling for about half hour before I fell off again. Ergo, this morning I was feeling like crap YET AGAIN.

Anywho – I did manage to get some stuff done. Not the least of which is getting my rogue to 70. Yep – my third level 70 character!

But more importantly … I ordered my wedding dress. I did it online because the one place I found it actually has my color and size in stock. So I jumped at the chance hoping that (1) it isn’t a scam (2) it’ll actually get to me before my wedding day and (3) it’ll need little or no alterations – that indeed that size I tried on in store on Tuesday will be a close enough match.

Tomorrow will be a pretty hectic day actually. I got lots to do and I am just hoping I can sleep tonite so I can function tomorrow. I wonder how I used to function at work when I was sleepless – cos right now I don’t think I could be very productive at work as is. I must’ve been cranky as hell … but then, I was once told that people liked me but always had to test the waters before talking to me lest I snap off their heads for some unknown reason.  That little titbit was startling in the least … I NEVER saw myself as that sort of person. But I guess frustration, exhaustion, burn-out and stress can make monsters of us all. ponders

Oh one annoying incident to note tonite: I grabbed a pen out of my pen-holder, hauled the cap off and started writing. Something alerted me to the fact that there was ink all over my hand. I don’t recall what now. But what I DO recall is seeing this nice HUGE blue fingerprint on the “w” and “s” keys of my beloved macbook.

Was I mad!!!! I am STILL mad. What the hell….. damned pens anyway. I must’ve been so caught up in what I was doing (chatting with the honey-sunshine), that I completely missed the fact that the damn pen had leaked out all over everything. Tomorrow I’ll tackle the pen holder itself… too tired and pissed tonite to look into it.

Grrrr…..

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Well, went with Mom today to get the Ultrasound done. She’s fine. No need to kill myself with worry the way I have been.

Oh, might not have mentioned it before, but last week sometime (Tuesday?), she says she woke up with a crippling pain in her left calf.  Well, I told her she might want to see the doc cos Wednesday morning it was still hurting and that didn’t sound like any muscle contraction I knew. As usual, she ignored me …. but Thursday she was still in pain. So Friday morning I told her to call the Doc. Dunno what made her do it, cos normally no amount of “saying” on my part would get her to do it. Luckily, we have a nurse who is attentive … she said “Come NOW!” which apparently scared my mother enough (FINALLY!)

Doc didn’t think it was anything to be worried about, but considering her age … well, ultrasound to rule out the scariest of possibilities. Man! That set me off … in fact, it was while I was waiting for Mom to take her to Doc that the TRUE possibilities hit me like a ton of rocks. According to DJ, it’s called DVT. All I knew is “blood clot that can possibly travel to the brain and burst!” I have been in a TIZZY all weekend. Thankfully, the ultrasound showed nothing. And I can breathe again. I had all kinds of visions … none of which were even REMOTELY happy-happy.

So anyway, while I waited to take her to the ultrasound, I made some progress. I called the embassy – just to make sure my packet 4 was complete. They weren’t taking calls. So I emailed and got “boofed”: Ms. <insert-my-last-name-here>, if you had read carefully, you would have seen … blah-blah-blah” I felt foolish and just dismissed it. “Whatever”.

Called and made my medical appointment (May 27th – ALL DAY) and asked about the immunizations and missing records. They told me not to worry, to just come in. And that (THANKFULLY) I won’t need the Hep-B vaccine. (YAY!) So all that is left now is to (a) pay fees (b) get photos and (c) get my ass there.

I am still gathering info tho – I wanna know about the interview, the POE processing, the AOS stage, shipping, flight costs,  ….. just because I have to know – you know me.

Some of you may think all this is over-thinking … but guess what over-thinking got me? The realization that we canNOT leave Bear alone for 4 weeks. Well, I can’t. I dunno how we’re gonna work this. /sigh  Have to talk to honey-sunshine – we gotta come up with another plan. This is … serious.

Oh … point to note here is that over-thinking oftentimes gets the shit dealt with before it hits the fan.

Mom and I finally got the dress measurements done, and typically, I have seen another dress that I like better. roll eyes So I am going to go a-lookin again before I send off the order. I am cutting it close – they want 2 months to get it done and shipped. 2 months puts us at just into July. Which leaves me a few weeks well to get alterations done, if any are needed, but …. do we want to run it this close? Nope. But … I need to decide once and for all. /sigh Decisions … WHY must they be so hard for me?

The best part of today was being able to cross 3 things off my list. Can I tell you …. nothing feels better than being able to cross things off a VERY long list of To-Do’s. VERY empowering. You should try it sometime.

I am going to treat myself tonite. Either I’ll get into the raid (doubtful considering the time now) or I’ll get my rogue into Shadowlabs. But tonite I can goof-off and not feel guilty about it. (YAY! – again) giggle

And on that note, I’m outta here until tomorrow.

Y’all take care now, hear?

YUSH

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Everything just got crazy.

I have to call the embassy. I have to call the hospital. I have to find a medical center. I have to call my old prep school. I have to go get my shots. I have to go take pictures. I have to go pay fees.

Whirlwind? Not EVEN.

It seems the letter from the embassy is incomplete. I have to find out from them what, if anything, was omitted. Then I have to make my medical appointment NOW – early so that it doesn’t get missed. They also have to advise me on what to do if my school can’t find my immunization records – and that IS quite possible since that was circa 30 years ago (wewt! big word!). Then I have to find a medical center to give me the remaining shots (including starting the 3-month course of HEP-B innoculations) for free or at least low cost so that my lack of medical insurance is not going to cause me to break my pocket. Then I have to get the fees paid and 6 pictures taken and ……

ARGH!!!!!

There is one good thing about all this though …. the more I have to do, the faster the days will go. Maybe at the end of this whirlwind of activity, it’ll be June 10 and I can just get it over with.

Oh …. my rogue made 69 yesterday morning.

Then Mom decided to scare me shitless. She just started choking. She smiled afterwards and said she was ok, but I know better. One does not just start choking like that out of the blue. And it thumped me in the chest like a ton of bricks. They are getting older and sicker and that they refuse to slow down means they’re gonna burn out. Are they even going to make my wedding? Hell, will they make the birth of their first grandchild? How am I going to manage all this alone? I have no one.

It even occurred to me to abandon my dreams because they can’t take care of themselves anymore. Thankfully, I slept on it and woke up this morning realizing that it hasn’t QUITE gotten to that point yet. But it will still be a HUGE damper on my plans and dreams to know that I – being the only one they have – is leaving them alone here.

/sigh

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Damn! Even watching Chris Rock talk about marriage reminds me of my hubby-to-be and home. It’s maddening! howls I WANNA GO HOME!!!!

Speaking of which, Chris Rock is funny as hell. Here’s his parting shot from the show I watched tonite:

“Marriage is tough. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, beaten and tortured everyday for 27 years; made to do hard labour in 100 degree South African sun in prison for 27 years. After 27 years of torture, he went home and spent 6 months with his wife and was all ‘I can’t take this shit! I’m outta here!’ … “

Course, that is not a quote and it certainly isn’t ad-lib – but it was SO funny, I had to put it down here. I mean, the REAL story behind the breakup of that marriage is beyond all of us, but just putting it like that makes it pretty funny indeed.

I’ve been thinking about marriage vows a lot lately. In a way I have never thought of them before – not even when I tried it once before as a rose-colored glass-wearing girl to a nice man who just wasn’t my match. The standard vows are as follows:

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish ’till death do us part.”

I think I might add “to respect” in there somewhere…..muses …cherish – by definition is to “protect and care for (someone) lovingly” … but where in that does it mention respect? Mutual respect is a key ingredient to a life-long partnership, isn’t it? I certainly want the respect of my hubby … as I am sure he wants mine. Any reason why I can’t alter the vows to include respect? Anybody?

I hear unu mumbling – no “obey” -not a raaas! Is only if he promises to “obey” me, will I promise to “obey” him. And how would that work? Both of us “obeying” the other …. that would be some kinda confusion, wouldn’t it?  And on that note, what about honour? I think that sadly short-sighted phrase is “honour and obey”, isn’t it? How about “respect and honour” instead? How does that sound? (or “honour and respect” for that matter).

muses some more

….

It’s truly a Saturday night in Kingston. I hear the bass line from at least 2 “sessions” pounding away out there, not to mention the speed-hungry young fellers racing their cars on the somewhat emptied streets. It’s like midnight, and the street outside sounds like it’s more along the lines of 7pm. Bwoy! We love to party, don’t? I think I’m going to need to reach for the ear plugs tonite.  I had wanted to pop a melatonin considering I haven’t been sleeping well at all these last coupla nights … and you know what? It’s not like I have to be awake too early tomorrow, I’m going to pop one anyway.  Hopefully, it’ll help me get some rest – this headache has been lingering for far too long now (something like 3 days), I need some sleep.

Anywho … final note before I hit the hay is … friend of mine IM’d me with a “yow Cams. which camera is better?” followed by a compare link from off best buy. I looked and found the comparison between a Canon S5 IS (is dere dem reach areddi? tuh rahtid!)  and a Nikon P80 … and found that if I can find me some extra cash somewheres, I think it’s time to switch to Nikon. Cos THIS baby is SUHWEEEEET!!!!! 18x optical and 10x digital zoom …. wewt! I’m gonna keep my eye on this one, folks. It looks to be pretty nice!

(YOW DJ! Yuh si dat link bredren? Oi! Look nuh? Chuh!)

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