It’s been an emotional few weeks since hubby got back from Afghanistan.

He’s coming! He’s coming! He’s coming!

I was a bag of nerves, excitement and anticipation … and all of it barely containable. I would stop mid stride and do a little jig, or jump up and down or … just the giggles. I’d get a BAD case of the giggles. I know people around me were wondering what the hell was wrong with me. My Facebook and Twitter accounts were bombarded with insane outbursts about his homecoming.

Those in the know were highly amused. Some were jealous or envious (not maliciously) because this deployment has been extremely hard on already shaky relationships and they (or their soldiers) weren’t necessarily as excited to see each other again.

Hubby and I managed to keep it together for the most part … there were the odd arguments or serious discussions, but we rallied and dealt with them with maturity and responsibility.

As a result, our relationship is in prime condition. I am SO proud of us. We survived intact, and maybe even better off than before he went. It’s almost as if the deployment didn’t weaken our bond, but strengthened it.

The moment when I first saw him

My breath caught, my skin flushed, my head pounded and I wanted to scream his name … this when I spotted him marching in with his squad in the gym that night. They arrived after midnight one steamy night in April.

I had no idea what to expect at the homecoming ceremony. I stood in with the other wives and breathlessly waited and watched.

The scene was impressive when we arrived at the gym. There were 3 fairly big TV screens positioned along one wall of the gym. I was told that this was to broadcast the touchdown, taxi, disembarkation and immigration process.

And I won’t lie – it was as exciting as hell to see the big plane touchdown, and taxi around to the hangar. I was excited to watch with breath held as our soldiers disembarked, were saluted and welcomed back. It was exhilarating to see them pass by the video camera inside and wave and smile at us.

But it was nothing compared to the thrill at seeing them march in – tall, proud, strong!

I saw him. He said he saw me. We waited … and when we could, we headed straight for each other. The rest of the gym literally disappeared for me. I walked among the throng, directly to him – ignoring nudges and pushes and bounces. He was like a beacon to me on a wide sea of bodies.

I can’t describe the feeling it was to FINALLY after 9 months, hold him. There is nothing like it… nothing on this planet. I cried, I laughed, I was still, I was frantic, I was happy, I was sad, I was proud!

And he looked damn good in that uniform.

At home at last!

I won’t go into detail …

Let’s just say he stepped into the house and into his space almost as if he had never left. That one single feeling made me feel as if I had done good this past year. Just about everything was in the same spot he had left it in a year later.

He stood looking around for a while with a look on his face I can only describe as bitter-sweet. He was able to kick off his boots and clothes and walk around in HIS house – the same way he did a year ago.

I wasn’t sure that was a good thing – because sometimes change is better than sameness – but he seemed to be grateful. He seems to be grateful.

But…

All is not the same. He is a different man. His face betrays him. I know he has seen things that have changed him. I can see it in his manner too – the way he deals with me has changed. He is gentler, he is accommodating, he listens, he helps out without being asked, he is caring.

To be frank, it’s all good from my perspective – but I am still unsure that it’s good from his. I don’t question him, I don’t ask him explanations. I accept it as the new him and try to adjust. Revel in it. Enjoy it to the maximum.

I expected things to be hairy. We live on post, which means sirens for all kinds of shit – including Wednesday afternoon tests – and explosions as they practice out on the ranges. I expected screaming nightmares and foul moods with no warning … I expected sullenness and faraway looks (more than they used to be) …

But there is none of that … and it makes me feel a little scared that he might “pop” one day. But I don’t let that fear rule how I act.

I am trying to be as normal as I can be… but, being alone again for a year has made me into a single woman again. I had routines and ways of doing things. And now they are all effed up. It’s unnerving and irritating, but I am trying to remind myself that all it takes is a little communication and a little patience and a little insight into the situation.

I tell myself to breathe and really think about what is happening… and it helps. Because I find that in the next moment, I either forget about the irritation, or come to him with a reasonably calm and coherent request to talk about things or to not do x,y or z.

So far, so good. It’s still stressful. It’s still not peachy. It’s still going to take a great deal of time to settle back into our routine where we are both comfortable.

Our toolbox

BUT… I have to say that the single most important tool we have had throughout this whole ordeal is communication. We’re always talking to each other. And I think that above just about everything else, is the only tool we really needed. It’s amazing what a good honest, core-seated talk can do to a relationship.

There are other tools – we give a lot more than we might normally. And when I say give, I don’t mean gifts – I mean ‘yield’. So one of us might throw a tantrum about something, and the other literally stops what he or she is doing to listen and comfort and commiserate. Works wonders.

We’ve indulged too. While I did manage to put away some funds from this deployment that I had wanted to stay put away, when he got back and I looked into his face when he said he wanted a new computer … I realized that this money was money he sweat and bled for and that he has every damn right to blow it how he wants.

We are also trying to have as much fun as we can for this period while he is off on vacation. (Yes, he is still on vacation – lucky devil!). Extremely hard for me since I am still working and being that I work from home … from within the very space where we have our fun … is nothing short of frustrating. But I think I am managing pretty well.

We’ll be fine, I think

All in all, I think we’re doing far better than most – I’ve heard stories being whispered on the grape vine about other couples and how they are faring … and we have not had those issues (THANK THE GODDESS) … and frankly, most if not all the warnings I had, have been largely unfounded thus far (again, THANK THE GODDESS).

We have a few more stressful events coming up (more on that in another post), but I think we’re going to be alright. We just need to keep in mind that this is an on-going process – something that we have to keep working at – even more so than we had to before he left.

Above all … the affection and respect is still there, which is a hell of a foundation to build on – let me tell you.

And so … we soldier on!

(haha – see what I did there?).

YUSH

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I’ve forgotten more blog post ideas than I’ve written in the last month or two. It’s sad really … I’ll say “I am SO blogging that” and am all hot to trot before getting side-tracked by something else and then eventually completely forgetting what it was I had wanted to blog about in the first place.

/sigh

Today, though, I have a shit-load of a list to pour out on paper. This is what happens when I don’t make a note when I think of the topics – I end up with such a long list of items, that the blog posts are just WAY too long to be interesting.

I’ll tell you what – I’ll leave the bitching for that OTHER place (wink-wink at those in the know) and focus on the positive experiences today.

The day started out rather badly: I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up dozing on the couch in front of the Smallville discs hubby left with me after R&R. So no walking this morning – and frankly, I’ve been doing pretty good with the walking this last week. I managed to haul myself off the couch at about 6:45 or so and hit the shower. Ever since hubby left off R&R, my focus has been shot to shit. I can’t focus on work for nothing. So on a day like today, I get the bare minimum done, which makes me feel like such a failure and a time-waster.

Course days like yesterday where I push at it for almost 10 hours makes up for days like today.

After about half an hour worth of work, interjected with breakfast, and a phone call with hubby, I decided I needed to hit the post office to send off the HomeAgain pet recovery service primary owner transfer request for Nala. Figured while I was out there, I’d send off the package to the in-laws. I get done at the post office and figure since I am out, I may as well get the Jeep’s oil change off my to-do list. While I am driving, I decide I need to call in the windscreen crack details to the insurance company because … really, the longer I wait, the worse it gets – right?

The oil change took maybe 20 minutes. Figured since I was out and about and going to be passing the USAA Killeen store on my way back home, I’d stop in, look around and maybe even talk to them about some stuff.

I’ll tell you this – the USAA store was complete geek overload for me. 3 ATMS – 2 inside on either side of the lobby, computer monitors everywhere which became pretty obvious quickly that they were almost all for customers. I signed in to wait for an agent to talk to me, and when my turn comes up, I am ushered into a little cubicle with a desk against the wall, a phone and computer screen, a pen and a scratch pad. The girl tells me to take a seat. I ask her where she’s gonna sit, she says “Oh I’ll leave you alone with the agent on the IP phone once I get you all connected.”

Picture jaw on the ground. Not only am I going to have some privacy to talk to them, but it’s going to be over a video IP phone.

We concluded our business – extremely favourably, I may add – I am always left with a surrealistic feeling of accomplishment and warmth after dealing with the USAA staff. I can’t tell you what it is about them that makes such an impression, but I would guess that it’s simply because they are all people who are close to the service and are fully aware of the difficulties, challenges, joys and jokes of the service… and even that sounds like a weak explanation of the image their staff puts out there.

In short: they just get it.

All in all, a productive day even though I wasn’t able to do shit at home in front of my computer for work.

Oh well – maybe tomorrow or Sunday…

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I have a couple of friends who I know might be offended that I had this major drama situation today, where I needed someone to talk to BADLY but I didn’t call them. Instead, I called on my army family.

I was incoherent in my distress, blabbing about the chain of command and orders and family members and mandatory training… yet I was rational enough to think that unless I called someone who could understand my blathering, I would just work myself into a bigger snit. This was one time I needed answers and avenues for redress. An ear wasn’t going to help me this time.

The situation was uniquely military in nature. An appointment made just over 2 weeks ago was going to have to be cancelled because the chain of command said so. At least, this is how it was worded when the message first came to me. I will say that I have no idea whether the message came to me quoted directly or modified with the emotion that I know was there. And I frankly don’t care at this point. The fact is that it should not be an issue NOW… today.

The situation is thus: hubby is away in the field this week, and instead of being able to focus on his training, he is having to scramble out there to deal with a situation that should have been squared away at best 2 weeks ago, at worst last week. Not only can he and I not discuss the sudden drama as a family, but he is going to be unable to focus out there with the drama unfolding as it is.

Suddenly, I was plunged into the very situation I know is going to present itself once he deploys. All drama and family issues now fall upon my shoulders to deal with … and all without his input or support.

Suddenly, I felt SO alone.

The walls of the house felt like they were falling in on top of me.

The crying cat sounded like a screaming banshee.

The landing helicopter sounded like it was on the roof.

The explosions out on the ranges sounded like they were right in my ear.

Everything was louder and oppressively unmanageable.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

The only left for me to do was break something and start screaming myself.

Instead, I called my maid of honor. Not only would she understand the nature of the appointment, she is also army herself. She knows the ins and outs of a situation like this. She would know what to tell me to do!

And she did. Coincidentally, hubby was doing the very same thing at the same moment she was telling me what to do. So it all worked out. But the experience has drained me. I was operating on 4 hours sleep to begin with … my blood pressure is up over normal, I am weeping on and off like a leaky faucet…

At the tail end of the storm, our FRG leader swoops in like an angel and says “Don’t you worry, Camille. This is fixable. And if worst comes to worse, we the spouses will take care of you. Don’t you worry none. Calm down and stop stressing.”

I am beginning to realize that my army family grew exponentially when we were assigned here to Ft. Hood. I am beginning to realize that hubby is my connection to this large family of people who care because THEY are potentially in the same situations every single day. These are people who I can depend on. These are the people who I must depend on, because they are going to be depending on me.

I am going to have to re-think my entire concept of family. The old concept is out the window. Very little is going to be a secret – not really. The experienced army wife would have told the FRG leader about this when we first knew about it 2 weeks ago. The experienced army wife would have known that these things happen and that it is times like these that we turn to the FRG – that is what they are there for.

It was a hard lesson to learn today. And it’s going to be harder still for me to actually practice this new found concept. I am a creature of habit, a creature of comforts, a private person. Some things I just don’t talk about with people who aren’t family.

This post alone is more than I might have said in days gone by. The old “fyr” would have just ranted and raved about selfish, stupid people and cried doom and destruction onto those who wronged her.

My – how we have changed.

More than that – my how we have HAD to change.

I amaze me.

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Yesterday morning, I watched my husband get ready for his first day of “Road to war” training. As usual, he got into full uniform (ACUs they are called) and then grabbed his armor and put that on too. That armor is heavy as shit, let me tell you. When he first put it together, he allowed me to try and lift it and that was a total disaster – I don’t think I budged the thing 2 inches off the ground. If I had to guess, it weighs almost as much as I do … and these days I’m not that much of a lightweight anymore.

So, he is standing in our dining room, armor on, helmet in hand and telling me goodbye and all of a sudden …. tears.

It was a very odd feeling, because I had not – up to this point – merged images of those soldiers you see on TV in full armor with guns with images of my own husband. And all of a sudden, his face was imposed on their faces and it HIT me that he is going to war.

I blogged earlier about not being prepared for this deployment and needing to have a plan and I think I was worried that the whole shebang would creep on me and dump a world of hurt when I least expected it.

I guess I was wrong. I am being prepared every single day for it. In small bits and pieces, yes, but still …

Even more so now that he plays Rainbow Six every night before bed and I watch him and see him so into the game. Last night, I asked him whether the game was in any way realistic and if he thought it might help him somehow. He barely looked at me and said “I think so” and I realized then and there that whether he wants to admit it or not, he is a little excited at going.

It sounds pretty ghoulish, but when it comes down to it, he IS a soldier. This is pretty much what he’s been training for all his career. Why should he NOT be even the tiniest bit excited? I don’t begrudge him that at all.

At the end of the day, I only wish one thing for him – that he return to me. In one piece of mind and body would be preferable, but I recognize that will be a feat in itself considering where he is going, and so I humbly ask only that he return to me.

/sigh

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Having lived in the same house with my parents for all my childhood (and some of my adult) years was a solid foundation for me. It gave me that one thing in my life that I could always count on. Home would always be right there at Dukharan Avenue and if all else failed, I could pack up my meagre belongings and head home for Mom and Dad to help me get back on my feet.

In fact, that is exactly what happened on at least 2 occasions. When my first marriage failed, at first I shared an apartment with a friend for a year. Then we just couldn’t afford the monthly rental anymore and she found something smaller and I went home.

The next time it happened was after another relationship failed and I had no where to go. Again, home with Mom and Dad was a haven that I was able to depend on to recuperate and rebuild my life one small step at a time.

Marrying my soldier husband and moving over 3000 miles to be with him, has changed that fact. Mom and Dad and Dukharan Avenue are too far away now, for them to be a haven. So how did I go from depending on that haven to being a military spouse with so much uncertainty and impermanence? I had to re-adjust how I thought of home. Instead of home being a familiar and known PLACE, I aligned my thinking with the concept of home being a PERSON.

I tried thinking of home as where my husband laid his head to sleep. For many reasons, that concept was a bad one. Firstly, the independent being in me revolted at that thought since my husband is an entity external to me and depending on him to be in a particular place seemed to me to be somewhat feeble and needy. Secondly, that concept was severely challenged once we received orders and were assigned to Texas and had to drive halfway across the country from Kentucky.

On arrival here in Texas, it became increasingly real to me that he would be deployed and that my concept of home would be gone for a year and leave me living in a house that was not home. That in itself was enough to cause a high level of anxiety. I had to re-think the concept.

Now I spend my time trying to re-align the concept to home being wherever I happen to lay my head down to sleep for an extended period of time. Home constitutes having all my personal creature comforts with me: my kindle, my iPhone, my iMac, my Macbook, my kettle, my mug that proclaims “Army Wife – toughest job in the army”.

My strategy, then, is to think of home as the place where I can be comfortable and occupied and content until the next move.

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