Yesterday morning, I watched my husband get ready for his first day of “Road to war” training. As usual, he got into full uniform (ACUs they are called) and then grabbed his armor and put that on too. That armor is heavy as shit, let me tell you. When he first put it together, he allowed me to try and lift it and that was a total disaster – I don’t think I budged the thing 2 inches off the ground. If I had to guess, it weighs almost as much as I do … and these days I’m not that much of a lightweight anymore.

So, he is standing in our dining room, armor on, helmet in hand and telling me goodbye and all of a sudden …. tears.

It was a very odd feeling, because I had not – up to this point – merged images of those soldiers you see on TV in full armor with guns with images of my own husband. And all of a sudden, his face was imposed on their faces and it HIT me that he is going to war.

I blogged earlier about not being prepared for this deployment and needing to have a plan and I think I was worried that the whole shebang would creep on me and dump a world of hurt when I least expected it.

I guess I was wrong. I am being prepared every single day for it. In small bits and pieces, yes, but still …

Even more so now that he plays Rainbow Six every night before bed and I watch him and see him so into the game. Last night, I asked him whether the game was in any way realistic and if he thought it might help him somehow. He barely looked at me and said “I think so” and I realized then and there that whether he wants to admit it or not, he is a little excited at going.

It sounds pretty ghoulish, but when it comes down to it, he IS a soldier. This is pretty much what he’s been training for all his career. Why should he NOT be even the tiniest bit excited? I don’t begrudge him that at all.

At the end of the day, I only wish one thing for him – that he return to me. In one piece of mind and body would be preferable, but I recognize that will be a feat in itself considering where he is going, and so I humbly ask only that he return to me.

/sigh

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I know a lot of people are waiting for me to say something about the shootings that occurred here on Thursday afternoon. Well, maybe not a lot of people. The problem with my thoughts on the shootings is that they are not what you might expect from someone this close to it.

From the moment I heard about the shooting – and I will admit that I knew about it soon after it happened and before the majority of the post did – my reaction was “another stressed out soldier, taking out his problems on other people”. That IS an odd standpoint to have, isn’t it? But then, I have “friends in high places” and I have heard SO many stories of soldiers losing it in so many different ways that it’s not so hard to imagine that was my first assumption.

The horror stories don’t end and they all have a common theme: soldiers aren’t being properly equipped to deal with this war. Equipped to carry out their duties, stay alive, come home safe, and de-stress. Having never studied warfare, having never been a soldier, I cannot begin to offer up solutions and I don’t want to claim to know exactly what the problem is – I am no professional in this matter. However, it seems obvious to me that there is a problem and that it is somehow not being handled.

You see, my opinion is that Major Hasan is one very visible, very violent symptom of an ongoing problem and to hear officials claim to not know the effects of stress makes me even more saddened. The medical community has been writing about stress – it’s causes, symptoms and management strategies – for quite some time now.  So how is it some of us are in the know and some of us are “still learning” – that is my question.

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way condoning how this monster chose to deal with his problem. And a monster he is, because only a monster could conceive of such actions. I have no anger, no blame … I want 2 things from this:

1. I want the people in the right places to stop being blind and dumb and HELP.
2. And I want this monster gone from society – in any way the authorities deem fitting.

And THAT is all I have to say about that.

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