I have deactivated my Facebook account. I have been debating it for months; maybe even years. The drama from the Fort Hood FRG and related persons, added to the drama of other people in my life was getting to be a bit much at times. Then we moved and I didn’t have to deal with half of that drama anymore. The remaining drama was bearable. I could see, laugh, and ignore.

Then came my own personal tragedy and all of a sudden everybody’s update was a potential bouncing betty for me. I was literally afraid to get on Facebook because I was never sure when the next bomb would explode in my face. As it turns out, there were none – not really and not for a long time…. until this week. Then 3 of them exploded in my face and took me so completely off-guard that I think all the good of the last 3 weeks has been undone in 2 days.

I thought I could handle it – and isn’t this the way these things work? You think you can handle these things until they happen and you realize that you may not be as strong as you thought you were. I’ve been moping around for 2 weeks and this was like the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I didn’t quite break, but I was so close that I considered closing my computer and heading right back into bed and under the covers indefinitely. Which is fine if you have no need to be up and about and have little or no responsibilities. I have work, I have a husband, I have a house – and all of them require attention if I want to keep them. I had to DO something.

Some of you might say it is as simple as not being on Facebook at all. Which might be true, but considering I had to be on it for work purposes, it was a little hard to resist trolling my own timeline for updates – especially when your own timeline is what pops up when you enter http://facebook..com. Trust me, if there was a way to avoid that altogether, I probably would. Deactivation felt like the best option all round. Work be damned … well, no; not really. There are other ways to get on Facebook if work absolutely needs me to be on. And if it comes to that, I’d rather create another Facebook profile free from the people I know just so I can administer the work pages.

But then, the whole drama of this morning got me thinking … why do I need Facebook anyway? To stay in touch with family? Friends? How did I manage to do that before Facebook? And if I didn’t manage it before, how can I manage it now? Is it possible to be off Facebook completely? I think it might. And I think I am eventually going to try that. Just unplug from it completely and move on. Those who really need to contact me already know how to do that offline anyway – so why am I fooling myself? I can stay connected in other ways.

Let us see just how long I feel this way – and I predict that if in a month’s time I am still feeling “meh” about being on Facebook, I may never ever return at all. Maybe it’s time to start cutting out the distractions in my life. Maybe it’s time to be hyper-focused. And the more I say it to myself, the more I believe it to be true.

Facebook begone!

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It’s Yule!

What’s that, you say?

It’s the Winter Solstice; the shortest day in the year, the day that signals the return of the sun to the northern hemisphere; the day that pagans celebrate with light and cheer and that was used to pattern some Christmas celebratory symbolism – the tree, the yule log, hot apple cider, lights, gift-giving, family gatherings, and egg nog.

I am a simple being. I despise pomp and circumstance, drama, and excessiveness. I don’t like the limelight (odd, I know; being that I am a Leo) and I don’t like expending more energy on time on things than are necessary. One of the reasons I strayed away from your typical church-going is that for me, 6 hours at church on a Sunday morning just doesn’t seem to me the best way to show your faith, commitment, or loyalty. I’d rather live that faith, commitment, and loyalty all day, every day of my life instead.

This morning, I lit 3 candles and a pine incense cone, then I lit a fire and spent a few moments thinking about the sun and it’s warmth and the coming year. And then I lit the house and started my day. The candles will burn all day – until sundown – and I shall spend this day doing what I would normally be doing were it yesterday or tomorrow.

Regardless of what you believe, or how you practice your beliefs, I am wishing everyone a warm and bright Yule. I hope that warmth and brightness carries you through the next year and helps you keep your truth.

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This post is long overdue (and somewhat overly long as well). There’s just been so much going on with me that I scarcely know where to begin.

The Christmas holidays had loomed large and foreboding for me all year being the first Christmas that hubby and I were separated in this manner. Any Christmas’ we had spent apart was because either we had seen each other within weeks beforehand or were about to see each other in weeks to come. This Christmas, half a world and a war zone separated us.

The previous seven months have been some of the most difficult months I have ever had to endure. Somehow I managed to get through them, though. And I am not certain that it was due to any one thing.

In January of 2010, I landed a job. A job that seemed to be somewhat of a dream opportunity and seemed to have literally fallen into my lap with little or no effort expended on my part. A woman I had met back when I was still part of the web ring community, commented on a post I made on Facebook (or was it Twitter?) that if I registered on SitePoint.com and searched the job postings I might just get lucky. Well, she was right. 1000 times right! The posting was for a developer (whom he had already found), but the poster was also looking for a web administrator. And his requirements were simply a level head and a reliable personality. I guess I fit the bill.

In February, I had a minor operation to remove endometrial scar tissue from my abdomen. Without realizing it, I had been in severe pain for months but had ignored it mainly because I had dealt with pain of that kind all my life and I had come to accept it as “normal” for me. After the surgery, we found out there was nothing normal about what they excised out of my abdomen.

In March, someone I thought was a good friend and who would be a main source of support throughout the deployment did their usual ‘disappearing’ routine which made me realize finally that what I needed for the upcoming year was dependability and positivity; of which this person was neither.

Coincidentally, March was also the month when hubby got his 2 weeks of block leave. And we headed to Michigan for a few days – it kind of reiterated to me the need for positivity and dependability – the kind I knew I could find with family, whether they be adopted, inherited or married into.

April was THE month. I remember feeling like a part of my very soul had been ripped out when hubby left. I sat bereft on my couch for hours each day trying to function. I was marginally successful.

I kind of bounced back pretty quickly after that. I knew it was a little weird but I didn’t dwell on it because I needed to concentrate on surviving the next 12 months.

I was shattered to learn he would be home early – within a mere 3 months after leaving. And whilst I was ecstatic to see him again so soon, I knew it meant a LOT longer time before he would be home for good.

The next couple of months were a living hell. I was constantly weepy – even during a weeklong visit from my parents. After they left, I realized I needed some help because crying over stupid shit was just …. unacceptable.

My good friend in Seattle sent for me to stay a couple days with her and that made me realize once and for all that I wasn’t going to be able to handle being strong on my own. By the time November rolled around, I was getting myself under control and it was time for the adventure of a lifetime.

Costa Rica, the prospect of meeting the people I had been working with all year, and a brand new globe-trotting experience … I was doing fairly well by then. The trip helped a great deal in cementing that. By the time I came back to the States, it was time to delve into work with a vengeance, into the new WoW expansion with a vengeance and start packing for my trip back home to Jamaica.

That trip topped the year off in fine style. Talk about going out with a bang. It was good to be home and to familiarize myself with long lost loves and friendships. It was bittersweet. I loved being there, among family and friends. Yet I missed home and wanted to be here. And yet when it was time to come home, I didn’t want to leave.

At the end of it all, it put me in good stead to soldier on through (no pun intended) the next 3 – 4 months until hubby gets home.

The new year dawned whilst I sat and talked here at home with Mom and Dad in Jamaica on Skype and me with the firm determination that this year was going to be the best yet. I was going to make it so, even if it killed me. And to celebrate that determination, I started going to the gym.

I have lots to accomplish these next few months. And if I thought I had been busy before now, I’ll be be dizzy by the time April rolls around.

I want to update more regularly and I promise to try, but don’t hold it against me if I don’t show up as often as I once used to. I’ll do my best to keep you in the loop, maybe tell a few stories along the way to spice it up. Last year was a long adventure in many areas and I am sure somewhere, someone can learn from what I have gone through. And as the self-lighted firefly, if I can happily light the way for even one other person, I feel I will have accomplished much.

So until then, I wish a very happy 2011 to you all.

Namaste.

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It’s been a whirlwind 2 weeks.

Hubby came home on R&R on the 11th …

The Friday before, I spent most of the day with his aunt in Austin – apartment hunting for her and my very first visit to an IKEA store. On Saturday, I spent the day scouring the places in the house that hadn’t seen scouring for a while … places like window screens, etc. I was exhausted Saturday night, but managed to sleep well enough to be in good shape on Sunday when he landed.

He’s been WoW starved, so he spent a great deal of time these last 2 weeks in-game. We managed to get out a little – camping one night, eats here and there, a drive to BLORA (where the campsite was), a visit to Michigan to see his family (surprised the beejesus outta all of them too) … it was a jam-packed week. The house looks like a tornado passed through.

I’ve been lazy these 2 weeks – instead of picking up after ourselves I let things slide because I wanted to maximise the time I had with him … some people would cringe and label me a bad housewife, but frankly I don’t care because I got to spend so much time with him that this is what he had to say after leaving:

That’s gotta make anybody smile.

Now that the whole 2 weeks are done and gone … I realize I feel like I’ve been run over. I ache in odd places, I am exhausted, the house is WAAAAY too quiet, the kittehs are sad … and the whole place just seems bleak. Even the damn weather is reflecting the mood.

The good part is I have a couple new toys to keep me busy for a few days whilst I get past the worst of this:

And the iPhone4 which arrived here on the Monday after hubs did.

Already the impact of the Nikon is obvious:

This is the latest Mission24 assignment – Burn. It’s the roasting fork hubs used to burn his hotdogs when we camped a couple weeks ago. I know … corny and a bit lame, but I’ve been out of practice. Bear with me, nuh?

Work has been a joke today … I haven’t been able to focus as well as I’d like today. Maybe I need a nap. Maybe I just need to push through the essentials and leave the frills for tomorrow … maybe I just need to try harder …

/sigh

Whatever … this post is already too long.

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I started writing on Friday about all the stuff that’s happened in the last week – but things got hectic over the weekend…

Saturday was raid day for me, and I managed to get in on a 10man ICC AND a 25man ICC in one day. Came away with some phat lewtz tew. It was a good day.

Sunday was THE DAY! Except that it was cancelled in the evening. So THE DAY got moved to Monday and let me tell you something … Monday, April 19th, 2010 has ranked as the worst day of my entire life – bar NONE.

Yes, hubby is gone. This day, April 20th, 2010, counts as Day 1 of this year-long deployment and I have to tell you that while yesterday was the worst of my life, today wasn’t bad at all. I won’t deny there have been tears and moments of uncertainty … but it helps to have SO many people who are making sure I am ok. People call, text, email … tweet, FB … it’s like all of a sudden my friends have closed ranks around me. Warm fuzzy feelings, let me tell you.

I have to thank you all for being there for me: Mom-in-law, DJ, mistikhal, MzUnderstood, guttaperk, jkwomack, supe’s-wife … and forgive me if I don’t mention your name – but it is because of all of you that I KNOW I will make it through this unscathed. And it warms my heart to know that you all will be there throughout the year.

Speaking of the year … couple of people I know are doing the countdown thing. I thought of it, but then I remembered how much of a basket case I was in the months leading up to my migration and wedding and realized that I don’t do countdowns too well at all. Instead, I think I am going to build me a list of projects to complete. For instance, I am determined to plant those Caladium bulbs hubby and I bought back in … December or so (I forget when we bought them). They are late in planting, but I don’t really care at this point. I figure if they aren’t mature by the time winter rolls around, I’ll just move ‘em into the house (somehow protected from Nala) and keep them in there all winter. No biggie.

There are other projects – such as the PC we have here that needs RAM and a reinstall … the CD drive in the macbook, possibly planting stuff in the backyard as well, decorating (hanging the paintings we have and getting one or 2 more maybe), curtains? (I hate curtains – but it’s a good thing, isn’t it?) …. well, you get the idea. I am thinking I should probably make me a list. Something to be able to cross off and feel good about when I complete shit. Maybe make it a project in itself – the list.

Anyway, last Monday, we went out and got me a Macbook Pro – ironically just hours before Apple released their new line. I am not concerned because this was perfectly fine as is for me. It does all I need it to do (and more) without so much as a hiccough. There wasn’t anything in the new line that I just HAVE TO HAVE. The bigger 15″ screen, larger hard drive and faster processor works well with my many programs open for work and for WoW as well as my boot camp partition. I am pretty well set. The one thing I have to figure out is how to transfer my phone sync from the iMac without bringing my entire music library over as well. I got all the music I think I will need on it already, and I really don’t need ALL those that are on the iMac to be over here. I’ll figure it out, I am sure.

There are still a couple of things left to do to prep for this year, and I think I will get on that tomorrow or Thursday (depending on whether I have what I need here in the house or I have to make a trip to the post office or store). I also think I am just about ready to take on those extra duties that my boss wants to hand over to me. I’ll see how I feel when I wake up tomorrow.

Frankly, our FRG leader said it best – it’s all uphill from here. I should be fine – I WILL be fine. And chances are, you’ll see more of me here too.

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