There was once a time when I truly loved to blog. I filled paragraph after paragraph with drivel or opinion or rants. It was all truly personal and extremely subjective … and sometimes downright hateful.

Apparently, I have either lost that ability – or motivation – or I don’t remember how to.

In those days, I was not known – I was invisible, simply another voice in a sometimes discontent sea of voices. It didn’t matter what I had to say because no one could take personal offense to what I was saying. I could rant and rave in relative anonymity and not think for a second that I was going to be causing harm to others.

Things have changed and just by virtue of who I have become – per se – I am no longer anonymous and what I say DOES matter and WILL offend.

I still have my opinions, most of which are now so inflammatory that I am sometimes afraid to even THINK them much less write about them in a public forum like this blog is. Lately, I have realized that the inflammatory nature of these thoughts and opinions is not only not improving, it is getting worse. And I am moving further away from a time when I could speak freely and anonymously.

I sit and watch people express themselves on Twitter, on Facebook … even on Google+ and I realize that were I to open my mouth about any of the subjects that are now on constant debate I am either so far out of the loop as to cause the wrath of the ages to be called down on me for my ineptitude to research … or I am so far beyond the “norm” that I get the wrath of ages called down on me for my opinion and insight.

Hell, I find even when I state my mind in simple, non-judgmental terms without even attempting to incite debate and drama, I get it anyway.

Therefore, there should be no doubt as to why I have become silent in the last few months.

Unfortunately, it has hampered my ability and my propensity for fluency and it is beginning to affect my work… at this point in time, I can no longer write as I used to because I can no longer find the words to express myself. I am out of practice. Badly out of practice.

As a result, this blog has become a sparse collection of random topics ranging from a recitation of events as they have occurred in my life or a random miscellaneous commentary or review on some new geek toy or service that I have “discovered” for myself.

Not exactly how I want to be.

And so … I have decided that I need to write again – as anonymously as I once used to. For that, I have chosen to move my rants, opinions and scorching commentary somewhere else – somewhere anonymous – where whether or not one wants to be offended or not is separate and apart from my so-called public persona. A place where only a few select actually know me and care about what I think – no matter what it is – and respect for me even having an opinion.

The rest of you will have to deal with my random miscellaneous posts if and until you can prove to be as discerning and objective of what I choose to speak about as I expect you to be.

My apologies. It may seem harsh to you – and maybe even unnecessarily drastic, but I must attempt to save the one thing I have always loved to do … and that is, to write.

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Bitterness, not the one who abandoned but the one who was abandoned – not once but twice.

Anger, at having my life broadcast to those unknown to me in such a way that they could feel justified in making an attack on me.

Fear, that I will not be able to do this and that while I am not alone, I am very alone.

Despair, that at this point I don’t think I’ve done enough to be ready for this.

/sigh

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Don’t let anyone tell you different – there is NOTHING good about a casing ceremony if you’re a wimp like me.

They rolled up the flag, put it in it’s bag and stood at attention and there I was fighting to hold the tears back.

And THAT was just halfway through the ceremony.

So imagine what I was like once it was over.

We were “invited” to shake the hands of the soldiers and wish them well as they go downrange.

I was bawling like a baby … I don’t think anyone would have appreciated ANY gesture from me.

/sigh

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Lawd whoee – what a stress!

I’ll tell you this, it’s heartening to know that SO many people want to be an authority on the fyr … I’m famous! Wewt!

I apologize to those who might have been working up the courage to comment (again?) and found that comments are now closed here – the reason is a sudden upsurge in the bitch content of my life which I am trying valiantly to quell and exterminate. So far, it seems to be working, but these things take a while – weeks, sometimes months. So please bear with me whilst I call in the exterminators.

In the meantime, here’s what my weekend looked like:

In true army style, we were summoned post haste to a married couples retreat of unknown content and to an unknown location for an unknown rendezvous time.  Oh yea, I was gearing up to REALLY not enjoy the weekend.

But it was a REAL NICE SURPRISE (THANK YOU CHAPLAIN ADAMS!) that greeted us on Friday afternoon. While it was called a “married couples retreat” the idea wasn’t to fix anything that was wrong, or help anybody with marital problems. In fact, the theme of the weekend was “Strengthening the bonds” and the idea was to equip us with the tools and tips to handle this deployment like pros.

I won’t go into the specifics of the weekend because … well, that’s kinda private smacks hand away but I will tell you this, the emphasis was on clear and genuine communication of feelings and expectations from this point onward. We got a list of things to discuss and a few things to think about and a few areas to work on. We got some ideas for communication while our soldiers are down-range and we got some stories about those have already been here. We got some tips on what’s the best way to deal with R&R and with homecoming … and while none of this is an exact science, I certainly feel FAR better prepared to manage this deployment.

The one down side to the weekend was suddenly realizing that “Hey! Block leave is already here and you haven’t done squat to prepare for it … DUDETTE!”

True to my organizer breeding, I wrote up my little month-long calendar we have on the wall by our desks and started to hatch out a plan on how to manage the week. I needed some comfy clothes for MI (post-surgery and all that jazz), I needed to get Nala’s rabies shot done and her fecal test and feline distemper registered on-post, I needed to find a sitter or a boarding house, I needed to organize what would happen with the mail …. you get the picture.

Thankfully, the shopping and organizing Nala’s shots and test results were knocked off in high organizational fashion on Monday thanks to a fellow-spouse who agreed to accompany my righteously indignant mug around town. She also helped reinforce to me what a downright waste of time it was mourning “the catastrophe” … “I don’t know you all that well, but that doesn’t sound anything LIKE you.“

And to top it all off, hubby comes home and says “Ooh – FRG leader has a pet sitter name for us – she’ll email you tonite”.

Long and short of it … I now have a potential kitteh sitter who will care for Nala whilst we are in MI and get our mail and watch the house to make sure it doesn’t get stoned, or egged or tomatoed by the bully-defense-patrol.

I’m all set – or am I?

Damn – I still have to pack, don’t I?

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I have a couple of friends who I know might be offended that I had this major drama situation today, where I needed someone to talk to BADLY but I didn’t call them. Instead, I called on my army family.

I was incoherent in my distress, blabbing about the chain of command and orders and family members and mandatory training… yet I was rational enough to think that unless I called someone who could understand my blathering, I would just work myself into a bigger snit. This was one time I needed answers and avenues for redress. An ear wasn’t going to help me this time.

The situation was uniquely military in nature. An appointment made just over 2 weeks ago was going to have to be cancelled because the chain of command said so. At least, this is how it was worded when the message first came to me. I will say that I have no idea whether the message came to me quoted directly or modified with the emotion that I know was there. And I frankly don’t care at this point. The fact is that it should not be an issue NOW… today.

The situation is thus: hubby is away in the field this week, and instead of being able to focus on his training, he is having to scramble out there to deal with a situation that should have been squared away at best 2 weeks ago, at worst last week. Not only can he and I not discuss the sudden drama as a family, but he is going to be unable to focus out there with the drama unfolding as it is.

Suddenly, I was plunged into the very situation I know is going to present itself once he deploys. All drama and family issues now fall upon my shoulders to deal with … and all without his input or support.

Suddenly, I felt SO alone.

The walls of the house felt like they were falling in on top of me.

The crying cat sounded like a screaming banshee.

The landing helicopter sounded like it was on the roof.

The explosions out on the ranges sounded like they were right in my ear.

Everything was louder and oppressively unmanageable.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

The only left for me to do was break something and start screaming myself.

Instead, I called my maid of honor. Not only would she understand the nature of the appointment, she is also army herself. She knows the ins and outs of a situation like this. She would know what to tell me to do!

And she did. Coincidentally, hubby was doing the very same thing at the same moment she was telling me what to do. So it all worked out. But the experience has drained me. I was operating on 4 hours sleep to begin with … my blood pressure is up over normal, I am weeping on and off like a leaky faucet…

At the tail end of the storm, our FRG leader swoops in like an angel and says “Don’t you worry, Camille. This is fixable. And if worst comes to worse, we the spouses will take care of you. Don’t you worry none. Calm down and stop stressing.”

I am beginning to realize that my army family grew exponentially when we were assigned here to Ft. Hood. I am beginning to realize that hubby is my connection to this large family of people who care because THEY are potentially in the same situations every single day. These are people who I can depend on. These are the people who I must depend on, because they are going to be depending on me.

I am going to have to re-think my entire concept of family. The old concept is out the window. Very little is going to be a secret – not really. The experienced army wife would have told the FRG leader about this when we first knew about it 2 weeks ago. The experienced army wife would have known that these things happen and that it is times like these that we turn to the FRG – that is what they are there for.

It was a hard lesson to learn today. And it’s going to be harder still for me to actually practice this new found concept. I am a creature of habit, a creature of comforts, a private person. Some things I just don’t talk about with people who aren’t family.

This post alone is more than I might have said in days gone by. The old “fyr” would have just ranted and raved about selfish, stupid people and cried doom and destruction onto those who wronged her.

My – how we have changed.

More than that – my how we have HAD to change.

I amaze me.

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