My best friend asked me recently how I did this MilSpouse thing, I’ve had a few other people tell me they don’t know how I do it and I know that other MilSpouses get the same comments and questions, too. It’s a tough gig, I’ll tell you that. The responses are many and varied and each of us does it differently. Yet we all have the same basic tools that we use and build on.

If you spend anytime at all trying to understand it for yourself, you’ll see that most articles and bloggers, other writers and advice columnists start off by telling you to “keep busy“. And at the core of dealing with military life, keeping busy is the single most important tool you have.

Some of us have jobs that keep us extremely busy and occupied, some have kids that keep them busy (and tired!) – others have their causes and hobbies, and still others have artistic ventures. There’s so many different ways to keep busy that it’s hard to pin point any one way.

For me … I have tons of interests and hobbies. For the year while he was down-range in Afghanistan, I had my job, I had my reading, my cats, I picked some TV show addictions. I had projects that I started – and most of them never finished. And I had sleep, lovely sleep. I learned a lot in that year; I read almost incessantly. And when I wasn’t reading or working, I was watching mindless TV or sleeping. I kept busy alright.

Oh don’t get me wrong!

You have moments when you feel you really, absolutely cannot go on. Those moments when the shit hits the fan and a big piece hits you in the face. You realize cleaning up would be so much easier if your other half was here. It’s a moment or two (or hundred) when you break and you fall on your ass on the floor and sob and blubber because at that moment, you are as alone as you have ever felt. And every time that moment happens, it’s worse than the last one. You literally break in half and settle into a puddle on the bedroom/bathroom/living room/kitchen floor. Pick one or all – it happens enough times for each floor to get it’s own special time with your face buried in it.

If you want to live, though … and you do because you know at some point your DH will be home and finding you on the floor in a puddle of unwashed, tearful misery is not the kind of image you want him (or her) to see … if you want to live, you will realize that food must be eaten, baths must be taken, bills must be paid, and work must be done. So you eventually pull yourself up from the puddle and wipe your face.

Then when you do that, you realize how positively septic you smell, and how ravenous you are and suddenly, the shit that hit the fan and how difficult it is going to be clean it up, is of far less importance than having a bath and eating some food. And in the eating of the food or the taking of the bath, you realize that the soap is almost done, or the towels need to be washed, but you’re out of laundry detergent… or curses! … you’re out of ice cream!

In short, you get past those moments of utter and complete despair and since life goes on whether you want it to or not, there are reminders that bring you back to the present and keep you busy again until the next break.

It’s a cycle. A long-time friend of mine once said to me that he savoured the emotional lows because they allowed him to really appreciate the highs. He wasn’t wrong… when you can survive through the lows, while you scrape the bottom and eat ice cream … then the highs are so much brighter and enjoyable.

It is being able to survive those lows that gives me my strength. I’ve survived some lows in my life. Oh boy! Some lows I thought I would never dig myself out of. Some lows where not even the brightness of the high was visible from that far down. Some lows where I didn’t know if I was going to make it through the next 5 minutes much less another few months. But I survived and I am here to tell you that the one thing that kept me going through a year of separation from DH … was the thought that one day he would hold me in his arms again.

And when he finally did …. it was absolutely the best thing in the whole world!

And oh yea – now that he’s here, I take every single opportunity to hug him … over and over and over again … because since the war isn’t over yet, I don’t know when he’ll be gone again and I want to make sure to store up as many of those hugs as I can for the days when I won’t be able to just take one.

You ask me how I do this? I do it because the alternative is inconceivable … now that I have found him, there is no way I am letting go of him. And when the army takes him away from me, I just think forward to when I get him back. And when he’s here, I make sure to maximise as many of the moments we have together as I can so that I have tons of memories and reminders to keep me going when he’s gone… and something to look forward to when he comes back.

And that is how I do it… because I can’t not. Simple – no?

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I have been going to Fort Hood Open Circle meetings lately. Decided to get out and do some of this meeting people thing … I chose the coven (yes – it’s a coven but an open one – one that welcomes all faiths, even Christian) because they were likely to be the people with whom I could most identify with … at least I think so. All of us quirky and not afraid to BE our quirky selves.

Well … I am a little afraid to be my quirky self, but I am learning that quirky is sometimes good – even if it gets you unwanted attention; which I loathe, by the way – the LAST thing this Leo likes is the spotlight – can’t get much more quirky than that!

So anyway, I have been going to meetings and starting yesterday, we are going to be examining ourselves with the help of a poem our Leader found call “The Invitation“. To recreate the poem here would be pointless… I shall just leave a link to the original I found online as is and refer to each stanza as we go through them (assuming I’ll have something to write about each week – and assuming I am around long enough to see the whole exercise through).

This week, we talked about the first lines of the poem:

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.”

Michele (our leader) asked us to go around the room saying what we wanted – what we ached for, what we ached hungered for  - from off the top of our heads.

It’s a lively, jovial group … and we got things ranging from:

• I want to be the mother and let someone else be the maid
• Family

To:

• Cold beer and pizza

Like I said – a jovial group.

At first, all I could come up with is “family” because of all the things I WANT right now, it is that. I’d like to get my family started. I really would – and it hasn’t happened for us yet. It was the first thing off the top of my mind … because I thought about it and I realized that I really “hunger” for nothing. I have just about all I need – either right here, right now … or on the way.

With that thought, I floated through the discussion and onto the conclusion that for myself I would like family … yes. But first, I’d like to share the light in my life with other people – the light that has shown me that I CAN be content – despite the everyday stresses and the waiting for the husband to be by my side again safe and sound …  despite all the problems, the issues, the drama, the illnesses, the trials and tribulations … I AM CONTENT!

Then this morning, I found this link from a twitter friend. It’s an article from the NY Times which debates the pluses gained by allowing constant communication between solider and spouse during a deployment to a war zone.

It made me think some more on that light I talked about … a light that made this deployment so much easier for both myself and hubby … easier than I am seeing other people have it.

The article talked about how communication can make it difficult for soldiers to focus on their mission due to the availability of the facilities. It also touched on the anxiety that can be caused because of spouses settling into a routine of communication with their soldiers that inevitably gets interrupted for one reason or another … the panic and worry that can set in and how that can snowball into more distractions for the soldiers in the form of arguments,etc.

I have neglected to say it because I know some people don’t speak to their husbands as often as I do – but I pretty much talk to him daily. He keeps saying he should stop because he doesn’t want me to get used to it so much so that when it doesn’t happen I panic or get mad. But … it has happened before. A day or more will pass and I realize I haven’t spoken to him. I say realize because really and truly, I’ve made a HUGE effort to occupy myself as MUCH as possible this year.

Even on my worst days, there is something to keep my occupied – if even just brainless TV shows on Hulu+.

On the good days, I write, I take photos, I work like a fiend, I sleep, I do crosswords and read … and these last couple of weeks, I’ve secured and installed a server class machine here at home with the help and enthusiasm of a friend (DJ) back in Jamaica.

The key, though, is that I have made the effort to occupy myself. So when I miss a call or an IM or a text message or whatever, it’s way past the hours within which I would have been notified if something had happened to him.

“It’s been 24 hours … if something had happened, I would already know. Ok – patience, breathe, relax … he’s fine. He’ll get to you as soon as he can.”

The article goes on to talk about how the constant communication mediums leave relationships wide open to disagreement and discord and how couples inevitably find it difficult to put relationship issues on hold so that the soldiers can focus on their mission, get it done and get home. How spouses end up sharing their at-home problems with the soldier and how they can find themselves carrying the burden of war zone stresses as well as at-home-and-i-am-not-there stresses.

I realized that any problems I have that I can’t solve, have no solution in the works or feel impotent to try to solve, I don’t need to mention to him at all. I feel it doesn’t do either of us any good to have him shouldering his stresses as well as mine.

So I am sick, and he feels like he should be here to take care of me and I stress to him that he needs to focus on coming home to me so he can. That I am fine, that I am taking care of myself as best as I can and when I can’t I reach out and ask for help. That while I miss his ministrations, I am compelled to manage until he gets back. (e.g. It wasn’t until I had been to the doctor and gotten my second dose of antibiotics for the strep I couldn’t get rid of that I told him how sick I was.)

It’s important to me that he has little or nothing to think about except what he’s doing over there. It’s important to me that he be able to focus. Having lived with him for almost 2 years also taught me what it is he needs in order to get in the zone where he goes to focus and stay there comfortably. And I do as much as I can from this distance to recreate that condition for him.

All I care about is that he come home safe and sound. Nothing else matters right now. Everything that needs fixing and needs his input can wait until he IS home safe and sound. I will get by until then … and then is the only goal that matters.

I was talking about quirky earlier in the post … I am beginning to realize just how quirky I am. My quirky (and his) has helped us survive this deployment and maybe even come out of it better off than we were before he left.

The only problem I have now … is how to get back out of independent mode once he gets home. And that’s no big deal really … since he lends himself so easily to being surrendered to.

I have to say … I am blessed.

I must have a guardian angel that loves me unconditionally – because no matter what I throw in her way, she always finds a way to show me the light once again.

I’d like to share the secret of that light … with all of you… I also know you all have to be ready and open to see it … otherwise, any effort I make will be pointless. Until then, I do what I can to talk about me and hope that some of my light spills out and over onto you. If you do catch some of it, I am happy … if you want to catch more of it, let me know … we’ll see how we can work up some light of your own for you.

And even if it’s only just one of “you” who gain … then it’s all been worthwhile.

Namasté

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This post is long overdue (and somewhat overly long as well). There’s just been so much going on with me that I scarcely know where to begin.

The Christmas holidays had loomed large and foreboding for me all year being the first Christmas that hubby and I were separated in this manner. Any Christmas’ we had spent apart was because either we had seen each other within weeks beforehand or were about to see each other in weeks to come. This Christmas, half a world and a war zone separated us.

The previous seven months have been some of the most difficult months I have ever had to endure. Somehow I managed to get through them, though. And I am not certain that it was due to any one thing.

In January of 2010, I landed a job. A job that seemed to be somewhat of a dream opportunity and seemed to have literally fallen into my lap with little or no effort expended on my part. A woman I had met back when I was still part of the web ring community, commented on a post I made on Facebook (or was it Twitter?) that if I registered on SitePoint.com and searched the job postings I might just get lucky. Well, she was right. 1000 times right! The posting was for a developer (whom he had already found), but the poster was also looking for a web administrator. And his requirements were simply a level head and a reliable personality. I guess I fit the bill.

In February, I had a minor operation to remove endometrial scar tissue from my abdomen. Without realizing it, I had been in severe pain for months but had ignored it mainly because I had dealt with pain of that kind all my life and I had come to accept it as “normal” for me. After the surgery, we found out there was nothing normal about what they excised out of my abdomen.

In March, someone I thought was a good friend and who would be a main source of support throughout the deployment did their usual ‘disappearing’ routine which made me realize finally that what I needed for the upcoming year was dependability and positivity; of which this person was neither.

Coincidentally, March was also the month when hubby got his 2 weeks of block leave. And we headed to Michigan for a few days – it kind of reiterated to me the need for positivity and dependability – the kind I knew I could find with family, whether they be adopted, inherited or married into.

April was THE month. I remember feeling like a part of my very soul had been ripped out when hubby left. I sat bereft on my couch for hours each day trying to function. I was marginally successful.

I kind of bounced back pretty quickly after that. I knew it was a little weird but I didn’t dwell on it because I needed to concentrate on surviving the next 12 months.

I was shattered to learn he would be home early – within a mere 3 months after leaving. And whilst I was ecstatic to see him again so soon, I knew it meant a LOT longer time before he would be home for good.

The next couple of months were a living hell. I was constantly weepy – even during a weeklong visit from my parents. After they left, I realized I needed some help because crying over stupid shit was just …. unacceptable.

My good friend in Seattle sent for me to stay a couple days with her and that made me realize once and for all that I wasn’t going to be able to handle being strong on my own. By the time November rolled around, I was getting myself under control and it was time for the adventure of a lifetime.

Costa Rica, the prospect of meeting the people I had been working with all year, and a brand new globe-trotting experience … I was doing fairly well by then. The trip helped a great deal in cementing that. By the time I came back to the States, it was time to delve into work with a vengeance, into the new WoW expansion with a vengeance and start packing for my trip back home to Jamaica.

That trip topped the year off in fine style. Talk about going out with a bang. It was good to be home and to familiarize myself with long lost loves and friendships. It was bittersweet. I loved being there, among family and friends. Yet I missed home and wanted to be here. And yet when it was time to come home, I didn’t want to leave.

At the end of it all, it put me in good stead to soldier on through (no pun intended) the next 3 – 4 months until hubby gets home.

The new year dawned whilst I sat and talked here at home with Mom and Dad in Jamaica on Skype and me with the firm determination that this year was going to be the best yet. I was going to make it so, even if it killed me. And to celebrate that determination, I started going to the gym.

I have lots to accomplish these next few months. And if I thought I had been busy before now, I’ll be be dizzy by the time April rolls around.

I want to update more regularly and I promise to try, but don’t hold it against me if I don’t show up as often as I once used to. I’ll do my best to keep you in the loop, maybe tell a few stories along the way to spice it up. Last year was a long adventure in many areas and I am sure somewhere, someone can learn from what I have gone through. And as the self-lighted firefly, if I can happily light the way for even one other person, I feel I will have accomplished much.

So until then, I wish a very happy 2011 to you all.

Namaste.

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I haven’t written in forever.

I haven’t done much of anything in forever except the bare minimum necessary to stay sane.

I get up in the mornings, work almost all day until about 4ish when I cuddle on the recliner with the cats until about 10ish when I attempt to go to bed. It hasn’t been working very well – the sleep attempts – since here I am in Jamaica and am sleeping as if I haven’t slept in 8 months. Well … I’ll tell you I feel so tired as if I haven’t slept in 8 months – so that may not be too surprising.

Yes. I am here in Jamaica. All the things that used to annoy the HELL out of me are faint irritations now; the street noises, the heat, the mosquitoes, the constantly ringing phone in my parents house, the barking dogs in the neighbourhood, and the hovering my parents are doing … all of it a wonderful welcome. I feel like I was missing out.

It’s good being here.  I am indulging in a good deal of decadence – I had bun and cheese for breakfast and dinner yesterday and that’s in addition to the patty for lunch and curry chicken and breadfruit for supper. Plenty of fruits – Dad sourced ortaniques for me and coconut water has been rolling in by the quart.

I am in Jamaican food heaven.

Christmas feels burdensome to me, though. I really am just hoping it comes and goes without so much as a peep. I’d rather get to the other end of this holiday as fast as I can manage it. It is just WAY too empty without hubby by my side – whether we would be here in Jamaica enjoying the Christmas breeze, or in Michigan up to our thighs in snow. It wouldn’t have mattered so long as I could have had him with me.

The luck of the draw precludes that from happening … and so here I am in Jamaica attempting to obliterate that empty hole in my life with as much of the familiar from my old life as I can find. So far, it’s working. I am not thinking about it as much as I probably would be had I stayed in Texas alone.

However, it seems as if I am fighting some kind of bug – I am tired all the time and today I literally feel ill. So some reading for the rest of the day and some sleep too maybe.

All in all, it’s been a good week or 2.

I have so much more to write about – but I’ll try and get all that in after I get back to Texas. For the time being, I am all about soaking up as much of this as I can – maybe it’ll be enough to carry me through these next 4 months or so until hubby comes home.

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This week is shaping up to be rather productive. After a loving pep-talk from the hubby, I decided to forcefully take back my time. Enforce my boundaries, organize my time and insist that everyone around me march to my tune.

Ok, ok – maybe not so much … but with a little help from specific people and suggestions, I managed to re-capture my time and am now working to keep hold of it. It’s easy to say: “here are my boundaries, please respect them” it’s a whole new deal to actually maintain and respect them yourself. So I have been attempting to get up at 6:30 every morning and start the day.

What I’ve been trying to do, also, is get some things out of the way too before I even sit down to work – things like, making breakfast (including my pot of tea), scooping litter (probably going to have to scoop twice a day now with 2 kitties), starting laundry (if there is any to start), etc. It helps to actually get up and get dressed too. That way the routine of washing my face and getting out of what I slept in and putting on something else gives my body the idea that I am starting my day.

I discovered something else about me yesterday too … talk about intense people? I tend to get VERY intense. It shows in my work. Yesterday, I worked in an intense frenzy from 6:30 until about 1:00pm – at which point I had to take a break I was exhausted. Which means that I need to watch myself, slow down some, pace myself better. On mornings like this one, I can do the frenzy for the first hour whilst I get the newsletter out. Then take a break (like I am now) and slowly deal with the rest of my list. This is how I believe I burned out of corporate life so quickly. I didn’t pace myself well at all – so I was always burning myself out during the mornings and boring myself to tears in the afternoon. After a while, that gets really tiring… exhausting either. The kind of exhausting that sits in your bones and weighs you down.

This morning, I am slowing down so much I decided to unplug the ‘puter and take it outside in the backyard – sit on the “patio” and work in the morning sun and breeze.

It’s nice here in the mornings. It’s cool (about 75 this morning), sun is pretty and not yet hot as all hell. Birds are always plentiful anyway and the sky is blue and pretty … one problem … the bugs. I think I just had a twice-larger-than-usual wasp fly by me. I admit, I shrieked .. then looked around to see if anyone heard me. I hate bugs. I think it’s probably time I went into the shed and hauled out the bug lamp. I know during the day is wasting energy, but bugs are out in the daytime too – aren’t they? ugh

Last night I had a moment – I walked into the closet to put up clean clothes and decided to bury my nose in hubby’s clothes. BAD IDEA. The tears started … I could feel them pricking behind my eyes – just wanting to come out. I felt the emptiness of him being gone so acutely that it hurt my chest. I wanted to curl up and cry. Instead, I pushed my chin up, finished putting up the clothes, shut the closet door firmly, dived into the shower and scrubbed myself neck to toe (including the callouses on the soles of my feet), warmed up dinner, ate and chatted to Mistikhal and DJ … Ha!

Cam – 1; sadness – 0! Take THAT! Booyah!

I had been warned about episodes like that. That they would be sudden and unpredictable and that they would take me completely by surprise. Granted, it was my bad to go stuffing my nose in his clothes, but still – I never expected to almost break down. I just expected that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you encounter something familiar.

That’ll teach me! /sigh

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