Today was my birthday. I don’t usually like telling people, and I get all blushy and stuff when I get that kind of attention. My Facebook page was aglow today. It makes me uncomfortable, but even if I hide my birthday, someone who already knows it will say something and then the whole world will know.
It was a damned good thing Mom and Dad were here though because I started out the day weepy. Hubby called first thing (of course) and that started me off. It’s really tough, you know, this separation. It’s not like when we were separated back in the early days – me in Jamaica and he here. Then, when it got too tough to bear, we’d work out some finance magic, I’d hop a plane and we’d have a week or 2 of glorious togetherness. This separation … is solidly concrete. There will be no more visits period until he returns at the end of his tour, and the best communication we have is a half-hearted internet connection to talk over.
I know – some people don’t even have that, and I get that … but there is always something or someone worse off … and right now I am talking about us.
It is in the midst of this emotion that I discovered these things:
- an ex (who had before now stayed conspicuously silent) has friended me on Facebook and sent me a Happy Birthday message
- a friend from days of old made contact – something I have been vindictively awaiting (somewhat in vain, I had begun to think) – and made contact in a way that makes me wonder just how genuine the sentiment is. (and by the way, now that it has happened, I wonder if I really wanted it to have happened at all – think I preferred the silence)
- a cyber stalker lifted it’s ugly head and stuck out it’s tongue
The day before yesterday was the kicker though – while the favour asked of me is not beyond the realm of being neighbourly, this particular situation is fraught with uneasiness on my part. On top of everything else, the requesting party seemed to have completely forgotten that the request being made was going to be more than inconvenient. I think the party in question really just couldn’t see beyond their own needs.
Which brings me to the subject of today’s post.
The more I live in this world, and in particular this country, the more I realize just how much people are self-centered and completely oblivious of others and their circumstances. I am stunned to discover just how much people who say they are your friends really don’t give a damn about whether you live or die. This is a malady that has followed me from childhood. People never seem to hear me unless I scream and curse and yell.
I have said the same things so many times to so many people that I have asked my husband on many the occasion whether he thought I was so mild-mannered as to be ignored. Apparently, I am. People tend not to take a soft-spoken person too seriously.
There is one thing I know now, though. There is a point beyond which I don’t appreciate being pushed. Unfortunately, because people tend to pay no attention to me, when I lose my temper, it is as if there was no warning given of impending explosives. Since everything I say up to that point is summarily ignored, my angst, anger and rage even, is seen to “come out of nowhere”. I have one thing to say to all those people – a pressure cooker gives plenty of warning before it blows it’s top – trust me, there was plenty of warning from me before I blew my top too, if only you had been interested enough to have listened to the signals and made the flame adjustments.
No great loss.
Tonight, I am so tired every inch of my body aches, but I sit here and realize that QUALITY is ALWAYS better than quantity. From this moment onward, I am going to have to recognize the quality in some people and act accordingly. It’s not about how *I* feel about someone, but how they respond to me and make their feelings known. It’s not about what is said, it is what is unsaid between friends that matters. It’s not about appearances and tangible gifts, but the gifts of caring, concern, attentiveness and genuine interest. That’s the substance of true friendship – and I won’t be compromising again any time soon.
It seems compromising for reasons that have nothing to do with me is something I have done WAY too often in my past and I seem to keep making the same mistakes … “everybody is doing it and it’s expected” have got to stop being my major reasons for putting myself out there … I keep getting burned. I think maybe it’s time I stop attempting to accumulate friends for obscure reasons and instead focus on maintaining the ones I have, while keeping an eye out for the other like-minded out there. Just because she’s another army wife doesn’t mean we HAVE to be friends – know what I mean? (abstract reference, folks, I mean no one in particular with that reference)
My parents are spoiling me though – it feels damned good after all this time to be spoiled like this. I had forgotten what it was like to be spoiled by them and while before I was resistant because it felt so stifling and suffocating, I am a pig in shit now, sitting back and allowing them to spoil me. It is a welcome and heart-warming change. And after these last 4 months, I think I damn well deserve it. Don’t you?
…
And on that note, the birthday presents…
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