Isn’t it amazing what one discovers about oneself during the natural course of life?
Had a call from hubby today and he was yelling in frustration. It was hard to hear him so pissed. And what hit me was this:
Being as sensitive as I have always been, I’ve usually been vulnerable. And more often than not, I get beat on as the weakling. In fact, one of my earliest recollections of my first few years of school were constant and very cruel teasing and abuse from fellow students. In those days, I never knew how to react. One day I blew right open – I threw a compass (yea, you know those things you use to draw geometric curves?) at the girl who would NOT get off my case. She ducked, and the compass embedded itself into the chalkboard behind her head on the wall.
I was instantly mortified. Such violence. Where did it come from?
I believe that I was enabled that day. The teacher, though equally appalled at my reaction, cautioned the girl in question against too much teasing and bullying. To her credit, she turned to me and lectured me that violence was not a valid or productive outlet for my frustrations, but I came away with a feeling of victory from that experience.
It concreted itself over the years when I never got any results from anyone for anything unless I got loud and violent. Countless times over my years, I have only ever got people to listen to what I am saying … to REALLY LISTEN when I yelled and threw things. It is now that I am realizing that my diminutive stature plus my tendency to be quiet and unassuming doesn’t help in this matter.
The really startling discovery here though, is that I am hurting the most when I am at my nastiest. It’s when I don’t want to break down and cry with humiliation and despair that I shout and break things and call people ugly, dark names. And it’s when I need the comfort and love the most, that I turn people away with the worst disdain and hate that I can summon.
I need a change.
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Comments 6
Insight is a great first step.
It’s not just diminutive mild-mannered people, though, this is a problem I think we all face to some degree.
No great insights here.
Posted 20 Dec 2007 at 19:24:04 ¶And it’s coming ..
Posted 20 Dec 2007 at 20:18:16 ¶@adrian It seems to me that I get it most often. It feels too often as if people refuse to take me seriously. And maybe my height and personality have nothing to do with it, but it’s VERY demeaning and it makes me angry. That also needs to change.
Posted 20 Dec 2007 at 20:27:51 ¶@Jen Indeed it is … starting tomorrow, changes will be coming out my ears. =D
Posted 20 Dec 2007 at 20:49:42 ¶Oh, height, gender and manner all contribute, no doubt.
{raises his glass}
Here’s to change.
Posted 20 Dec 2007 at 21:42:44 ¶I love the new look!!!! Maybe indicative of the changes to come
WE all have those moments
Posted 21 Dec 2007 at 16:35:12 ¶Trackbacks & Pingbacks 1
[...] that later on somehow), and I came across a post I made in December of 2007. I had titled it “Self Discovery” back then, because I had made a discovery about myself that was startling and .. [...]