There. I’ve said it. Acknowledged it. Now what?
I guess I haven’t really been acknowledging this upcoming period in our lives. My first clue was when another wife in this unit spent one night crying her eyeballs out and I still have yet to FEEL that panicky. My second clue, I guess, is Mom saying that she noticed that I was waaaay too calm over the Shootings (Capital ‘S’ because the event has become one of those before-event and after-event milestones). And while I am not entirely sure why that is indicative, I know my third and fourth clues came tumbling in on top of each other last night as I spoke to my childhood friend’s brother, from now on to be referred to as Tom, and my good friend G second.
Tom explained how one woman he works with is in constant “freak-out” mode because her husband gets deployed in January (or so). G explained that she didn’t think I was dealing with it either and that I had better make a plan, and soon, unless I’d find myself on the night he leaves up shit creek with neither a paddle nor a canoe.
Frankly, that last clue was the sinker. The thought of sitting in this house one night soon, alone; like one of these recent nights as he worked the “swing” shift (afternoon to midnight) but KNOWING he won’t be back at 1am. Knowing he won’t be back for a year. Knowing that I am on my own here until he gets back. Knowing … he is in harms way.
Yea, that nearly popped my panic bag. What did I do? I ran scared; like a dog with his tail between his legs after his master has flogged him to within an inch of his life. I ran mentally so far away that I was able to stand and look back and realize that this little hill in my mind where I have been standing and looking at the issue for months is too far away to help when the day comes. I can’t be sitting on that hill next year when he leaves … I have to make a plan.
Luckily for me, I seem to have a plan in the making – assuming I can actually get it work consistently and continuously. Since jobs are so far in between, I followed yolospat over to a freelance website and have been trolling there for a while. I’ve also made up my mind to socialize, though my feet are taking a bit longer to follow suit. Maybe it’s time to amp up the volume and GET MOVING ALREADY.
What’s that? The plan? Don’t know. Am looking for suggestions … suggestions for that night and suggestions for the nights following. What I do know is that a tub of ice cream, the TV, and as many DVDs as I can gather together (horror and crime drama, please – no romance or comedy) and a blanket or 2 are going to be key features of that night … and oh yea – large size box of tissues. Anything else? …
P.S. I have been so avoiding dealing with this, I haven’t written about it at all – no tags to choose from. /sigh
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