the .: fyr :. light

I have a couple of friends who I know might be offended that I had this major drama situation today, where I needed someone to talk to BADLY but I didn’t call them. Instead, I called on my army family.

I was incoherent in my distress, blabbing about the chain of command and orders and family members and mandatory training… yet I was rational enough to think that unless I called someone who could understand my blathering, I would just work myself into a bigger snit. This was one time I needed answers and avenues for redress. An ear wasn’t going to help me this time.

The situation was uniquely military in nature. An appointment made just over 2 weeks ago was going to have to be cancelled because the chain of command said so. At least, this is how it was worded when the message first came to me. I will say that I have no idea whether the message came to me quoted directly or modified with the emotion that I know was there. And I frankly don’t care at this point. The fact is that it should not be an issue NOW… today.

The situation is thus: hubby is away in the field this week, and instead of being able to focus on his training, he is having to scramble out there to deal with a situation that should have been squared away at best 2 weeks ago, at worst last week. Not only can he and I not discuss the sudden drama as a family, but he is going to be unable to focus out there with the drama unfolding as it is.

Suddenly, I was plunged into the very situation I know is going to present itself once he deploys. All drama and family issues now fall upon my shoulders to deal with … and all without his input or support.

Suddenly, I felt SO alone.

The walls of the house felt like they were falling in on top of me.

The crying cat sounded like a screaming banshee.

The landing helicopter sounded like it was on the roof.

The explosions out on the ranges sounded like they were right in my ear.

Everything was louder and oppressively unmanageable.

I felt like I was losing my mind.

The only left for me to do was break something and start screaming myself.

Instead, I called my maid of honor. Not only would she understand the nature of the appointment, she is also army herself. She knows the ins and outs of a situation like this. She would know what to tell me to do!

And she did. Coincidentally, hubby was doing the very same thing at the same moment she was telling me what to do. So it all worked out. But the experience has drained me. I was operating on 4 hours sleep to begin with … my blood pressure is up over normal, I am weeping on and off like a leaky faucet…

At the tail end of the storm, our FRG leader swoops in like an angel and says “Don’t you worry, Camille. This is fixable. And if worst comes to worse, we the spouses will take care of you. Don’t you worry none. Calm down and stop stressing.”

I am beginning to realize that my army family grew exponentially when we were assigned here to Ft. Hood. I am beginning to realize that hubby is my connection to this large family of people who care because THEY are potentially in the same situations every single day. These are people who I can depend on. These are the people who I must depend on, because they are going to be depending on me.

I am going to have to re-think my entire concept of family. The old concept is out the window. Very little is going to be a secret – not really. The experienced army wife would have told the FRG leader about this when we first knew about it 2 weeks ago. The experienced army wife would have known that these things happen and that it is times like these that we turn to the FRG – that is what they are there for.

It was a hard lesson to learn today. And it’s going to be harder still for me to actually practice this new found concept. I am a creature of habit, a creature of comforts, a private person. Some things I just don’t talk about with people who aren’t family.

This post alone is more than I might have said in days gone by. The old “fyr” would have just ranted and raved about selfish, stupid people and cried doom and destruction onto those who wronged her.

My – how we have changed.

More than that – my how we have HAD to change.

I amaze me.

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