For the second time in my life, (and funnily from the same source), it’s been demonstrated that no matter how much good I think I’m doing, someone else has an entirely different perspective. When I am speaking truths that need to be spoken but they aren’t ready to be heard – and probably will never be – what it results in is this: a complete and painful disconnect. So I face a choice:
Regret the time and effort and emotion given?
Or relief that no further time, effort or emotion will need to be given?
There’s a lot of both, and I hope over time I will end up with the latter more so than the former.
What does all this gobbledygook mean? Let me summarize the situation for you: a “friend” blindsided me almost 2 years ago to the day with some trumped up shit that floored me, made me righteously indignant and caused me so much stress so as to inhibit my functioning at the time. Same friend appealed and a second chance given. Yet, once again I find myself in the very same situation. I am the only one who seems to recall all that I have done and said and the whole world gets a completely different picture of me because said friend is broadcasting such to the world.
I am the bad guy, I am the bitch, I am the selfish angry wannabe. Hmph.
So I am telling myself “enough of this bullshit”. My REAL friends know better.
Besides, I know my husband is sick of this story already. We have our own shit to deal with now and this is just unnecessary stress that we don’t need. Tough call, but it has to be made. Time to move on.
Damn – but it feels like I was here just yesterday. Is that me being a fool? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me? Oh yea – helluva lot of beating-myself-to-a-pulp. I must be an idiot – because I can’t learn that some people just can’t be helped.
A lot of people ask me why I am so introverted and closeted and this is the reason. Too often I have come across people who get so caught up in themselves that they fail to see what effect they have on others – and I get hurt. I guess it’s just my fault for being ultra-sensitive or an empath.
How ironic is that?
Well, if I have learned one thing in all this it is this: REAL friends take a lifetime of experiences and elapsed time to make. They don’t form overnight – no matter how much you think you have in common right away. Next time I am faced with a situation like this, I shall give of myself in a purely charitable manner. I shall remain detached and emotionless and completely uninvested – this way, I avoid this drama.
I hate drama. I really do. And I know my female friends will be appalled and my male friends will be cheering, but this level of drama seems to me to exist purely on a feminine playing field. I’ve never encountered anything like it in any male relationships I have had. Odd, but true. I hesitate to draw conclusions or make decisions, but it certainly makes me exceedingly wary.
And, finally, I leave you with this poem that my dear friend GH introduced me to:
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.–Veronica Shoffstall 1971
And with that little positive affirmation in my head, I bid you goodbye … again.
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