They keep telling me that the first month is the worst. They have told me to expect up and down days. They told me to keep busy. They’re still telling me these things. It’s just about at the end of week 2, and I have to tell you that had they not mentioned that fact, I probably would not have known. Feels like he left yesterday – in terms of the pain anyway.
It was a pretty bad weekend. Weekends are usually ours, he and I. We spend them together exclusively. Even if all we’re doing is playing WoW or watching movies, it’s still just us. This weekend, I was in so much pain, all I could do was lay on the couch – which is by far THE worst thing I could have done.
By Sunday evening I was such a basket case it wasn’t even funny. And when I say basket case, I do mean basket case. I turned my phones off, put in 2 movies, logged off IM and drank 4 beers. Ya. Basket case. It was my good friend MzUnderstood who saved me that night. I don’t know what I would have done had I not been able to just burst out with all the things that were bothering me.
The FRG leader and the other wives tell me to call them and talk – but how do I say: “I feel like we have nothing in common beyond our deployed husbands – what is there to talk about?” That is just RUDE.
I mean lookit: they all going shopping this weekend. And that just seems to me to be SO typical military wife – minute hubby’s first deployment check comes in, it’s off to the stores. And I turn around and feel so bad for being so judgmental… who am I to judge them? Who to tell, they all going to spend their OWN money. Where I get off assuming?
So, I just not going with them; aside from the fact that I just don’t do the whole shopping thing (unless I have a list of things I need), it just seems way too far to drive to watch others do shopping. I don’t need anything.
Everybody doing the countdown thing too – so many weeks until such-and-such. I like being surprised that it’s 2 weeks in. I think I want to keep being surprised. See me in a year’s time going “Oh wait – he comes home in 2 weeks. wewt!” Yea. I think I said that last blog post, but it’s so much more clear now. I loved hearing the FRG leader say “so we’re 2 weeks in and I think it’s time we got together and talked about the rest of the year”. I was like “Wait – 2 weeks? Already? Nice.”
Don’t get me wrong, it’s probably been the worst 2 weeks of my entire life – and if they are all to believed, it’s going to be only slightly better in the coming 2 weeks. But if the next year can slip by as unnoticed as these last 2 weeks have, then I will be golden. And when I say unnoticed, I mean I was so caught up, I forgot to count the days since he’s left.
On the other hand, I am heading to Jamaica in July. Yaaaad here I come!!! I don’t think I realized until now just how much I missed home. And I know that it is simply because for all this time, wherever hubby was, was home. Now that home is gone from me, I am needing home and the only other home I’ve known is Jamaica. That aside though, I need to see my peeps. And eat some oxtail, drink some coconut water out de shell, nyam some ackee and saltfish an’ bwile banana – some callaloo … patty and coco bread … tek een some beach and some breeze … Only one thing would make it perfect – and that is if it were Christmas.
All in all, I am still here, and I’ve managed to get through 2 weeks. While not a real milestone, it’s significant to me because I now realize what this is going to be like. There are going to be days when I am perfectly fine, there are days when I am fair-to-fine when the tears are near but still not here, and there are days when I going to be bawling like a newborn baby. I am beginning to realize what the triggers are, and I am learning to bolster myself to deal with them when they come.
Finally, I came to the conclusion that I have to MAKE a schedule and stick to it. Sleeping in is a bad idea. So is doing nothing. So no matter what time I go to bed, I am getting up early and doing the day. Even if I have to pause halfway through the day for a nap, I am working on getting a schedule ingrained. Consistency – that is what I need – on top of projects.
And this weekend, my project is two-fold (a) get out of the house and (b) fix squad-leader-wife’s computer.
I figure if I get even half of that done (say, sit outside for an hour or at least learn whether the PSU I need is available here in town), then I’ve accomplished SOMEthing – and that is to not sit and wallow.
Hopefully, I’ll be able to get up and get out to the lake with the camera too .. then maybe I’ll even have pictures. 
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