Coping: the Casing Ceremony was a bad way to leave you all hanging. I am fine. Hubby was marvelous. I collected myself and was able to stride through, head high. I’m still doing that. This is the last week. One full weekend left, a few hurried days next week and then that’ll be the end of that.
He slipped yesterday saying he told someone that he was excited at going … and I smiled. I KNOW he’s excited about going. I know this like I know my own name because … well I know HIM. And I also know he’s been trying to hide it. Silly goose … no need to hide from me, I’m your wife! I know you. I don’t mind that he’s excited. I love that he is. I know that sounds strange, but here is why: I know him and I know that he excels when he is excited about something. When he is challenged and when he WANTS to be challenged, he shines like so many suns. This means, that he’s going to go kick some ass and take some names. And that is ALL good.
On my side, he knows how much this is tearing me apart and he knows how devastated I am, but we don’t want to dwell on it. We BOTH know I can do this and do it like a pro. So, when I feel those tears prick, I tell myself “Silly goose – let him see how proud you are, not how sad you are. Stop being damnably selfish. It’s NOT all about you. We ALL know how it affects you, it’s time for him!” And poof! tears away.
It’s an odd time for me. A lot of my usual behaviour has changed. I can’t even explain how it has changed, but it has. It’s like I have tunnel-visioned this entire deployment. Nothing else matters except sending him off in style. How weird is that?
Communicating: we’re talking a lot more … arguing a bit too, but that’s expected. Communicating – is a nice umbrella word. If it wasn’t so darned serious, I’d call this blissful. We are blessed. So much is coming out now: concerns, feelings, thoughts, plans … it’s almost as if this deployment has given us the opportunity to actually look outside of ourselves and think about what comes next. It feels like the passing from one phase to another. And chances are, that is exactly what it is – a maturing of our relationship.
Collecting: I picked up a journal (it is most certainly NOT pink, but I can’t find the black version anywhere online) at Walmart for myself to jot down feelings, experiences, observations during the year … the idea being that I just hand it over to him when he comes back so he can experience it all with me – albeit on paper and after the fact. I told him about it, and he was all “where’s mine?”. Of course, you know that made me ecstatic – just that he WANTED to do the same for me was enough to get me all excited. So we got him one too. I chuckled to myself when he asked what to do if he runs out of space – knowing him as I do, he won’t run out of space. I’ll be lucky to get 10 pages of stuff. He’s a talking man – he’d rather TELL me about it. What I am hoping, though, is that those things he CAN’T tell me about while he is over there, he will make notes to tell me about when he gets back – so long as it isn’t going to be forever classified, I wanna know – even if after the fact.
I also picked him up some note paper and envelopes – he needs to get REALLY intimate with the idea of writing letters. Even IF we have internet communication, there really is nothing more inspiring than getting a letter from someone – because it means they took the time to sit and write you a letter. THAT means a lot. I’d forgotten how much it meant … until I married him and started getting letters from one of his grandparents. Gives me a little “ooooh” feeling inside. Warmth. I just know it’ll be far more pronounced to get one from him.
He also has to go over with enough stuff to ensure he won’t be out of it for a good while. Care packages take time to travel and I would hate for him to run out of … say … socks before the next one could get to him. So we’re making that list too.
Collating: finally, I’ve been trying to get legal matters sorted. Frankly and honestly … I am alone here. If anything happens to me, no one knows what in hell to do with our stuff while I am out of commission. So getting that dealt with also gives me something to do.
It’s hectic though – so much to do yet still have to find time to spend with him. I am not complaining – there will be plenty of time for all the other shit once he leaves – PLENTY of time. Suddenly, I’ll have so much time on my hands that I’ll be lost without stuff to do. So making THAT list for myself as well. Gotta keep occupied – number one priority for the next year.
One of the things that has popped up for me is a business trip to Costa Rica for our company meeting. I shuddered at first – I’ll be honest – primarily because I might have read waaay too many thrillers all my life. I have to keep telling myself that while unorthodox, this is a business and there isn’t any real reason not to go. It’s quite a ways away yet so I am going to think on it, ask my sage-Mum and take my time deciding. It will be something else for me to focus my time and energy on too.
Stocking up on books – my father-in-law dumped an armload on me as we left a couple of weeks ago. It’s funny because hubby said to me “only you could go for a visit to the country and manage to come back with books anyway – even without visiting a bookstore”. I think combining the extensive detailed discussion with his grandmother on Tom Clancy’s writing coupled with being curled on the in-laws couch for hours devouring book upon book on my kindle helped them realize just how much of a reader I was. Father-in-law was shocked to learn I had finished two while being there along with all the other stuff we managed to do (e.g. 10-hour-long Magic: The Gathering game with the 3 of us!!!). Bah. I read like a hungry lion pride!
As for WoW? It’s there. I’m trying to get a WoW blog started, but it’s hard – especially with not finding time for even this my main blog … but there again, something else to keep me occupied in the coming months. It may be silent and still now, but stay tuned – it could get pretty active in the next few months.
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Twitter: jkwomack
wrote:
Go to Costa Rica. When I lived overseas I traveled to places like Manila and Cape Town. I was petrified getting off those planes, but it was a fantastic experience and I miss those opportunities. Gp and enjoy it. If your company will do it, add a couple days onto the trip so you can do a little touristy stuff. My company would pay the round trip airfare and the hotel room/car for the days I had to be there for work. If I wanted to extend, all I had to do was cover the room/car for those extra days. I still kick myself. My ex always gave me a guilt trip for thinking about it, even when I offered to fly him and the baby out with me.
Traveling is a GOOD thing if you can afford it. It will keep your mind off it. You will be fine! Once Steve is home and settled in, you’ll have to come over for dinner and drinks. I’m just down 190. I’ll try to keep your mind off it some.
Posted 10 Apr 2010 at 08:02:13 ¶Trackbacks & Pingbacks 1
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